Hiking Brought Me Back To Who I Really Am
Rebecca Sperry
Since 2015 I’ve felt guilty for who I’ve become - for falling in love with a lifestyle that is so far from the norm that most of the world would consider it borderline lunacy. On top of spending an exorbitant amount of time hiking, I care more about creating art, whether it’s through writing, painting, drawing, or playing music, than making a comfortable living or having a stable income. Some may say that I never actually grew up or gave up on my childish dreams, and they’d be right. But from 2002-2015, I stuffed all of those dreams, all of the things that made me who I am, into a large wooden box and locked it, because that is what society wanted me to do.
I traded callused fingers for acrylic nails, long, auburn curls for a blunt pixie cut, and instead of spending my free time expanding my mind, I spent it trying to fit in through a variety of less than academic activities. As I transitioned into full time work I was lost. My Liberal Arts degree meant nothing in the real world, so I continued working jobs that served one purpose: to pay the bills. And those jobs introduced me to a whole new world named, retail therapy. I had it all planned out. The two story cape, SUV, labradors, and a baby or two; that was what I was trained to want, and that is all I strove for from twenty-two to twenty-eight.
Working in education for seven years was my attempt at having a real profession; to fit even more into the fictional american dream, and I did love my time working as an educator because I got to help people. I was able to flex my organizational muscles, make a difference in the lives of children, and stroke my hero complex. I was following the footsteps of the person that I had looked up to for my entire childhood, my mother, but being an educator for me, was a complete 180 from what it was like for my mom. I lost my job as an educator in February 2015 when my contract wasn’t renewed for the following school year and it ripped everything that I had been working for out of my hands. It felt like I didn’t just lose my job, I lost the thing that I had been working towards, the identity I had been creating since 2006 when I finished college. But in that loss, I found myself again.
For so long now the question, what did I give up, has haunted me and stolen some of the joy from every single one of my hikes. But, what I am beginning to understand is that hiking has brought me back to who I was before the world told me who I should be. Hiking has brought me back to myself. For the last seven years, I’ve wondered if I am making the right choices by taking such a drastic and dangerous route. If I am making a mistake by following this very unusual career path. But now I know. What feels like a guilt-ridden hobby, one that takes up a lot of my time (and money), is actually helping me become my most authentic self.
Not only has hiking provided me with a route back to who I really am, it has connected me to other people who are a lot like me. When I discovered the niche outdoors community that would travel for months almost exclusively by foot, for the first time in my life I didn’t feel misunderstood or alone anymore. I didn’t need to change who I was to fit into groups of people that were nothing like me. I had found my people, rediscovered myself, and hiking gave me those things.
It hasn’t been and will never be easy. A small, paper teaching certification is still my last resort, get out of jail free card, if my ludicrous lifestyle doesn’t pan out. But for now, I can wake every day knowing that I am living my dream. I can finally say I don’t feel like 2006-2015 were my “golden years.” Regardless of how long this lasts, I am grateful that I am at peace with my decision to take the rockiest, rootiest, longest path because that was the path that brought me back to who I was before the world told me who I should be.
