Your Fear Of Failing Might Be What's Making You Fail
Rebecca Sperry
Looking back at all of the things I’ve attempted to do over the years as a hiker, I consider quitting the Long Trail in 2019 to be my biggest failure. I went into this hike completely underprepared for what it would take mentally and physically to accomplish my goal. While there are many people who step onto a long trail with zero backpacking experience and finish their hikes, I had grossly overestimated my own abilities going into this attempt. I thought I was prepared and strong enough. I thought I had planned out realistic mileage for each day, and had my gear dialed in. I even did two short backpacking trips in the few months prior to hitting the Long Trail. What I hadn’t prepared for, though, was that my fear of failing would lead to me psyching myself up so much that I would end up failing my hike.
June 21, 2019, my husband drove me to the northern terminus of The Long Trail in Vermont. The oldest continuous footpath in the United States, The Long Trail is rugged, remote, and despite being only 273 miles, is not an easy hike. I believed that with three years of experience hiking in the White Mountains of New Hampshire, I was ready to take on this trail. That I knew what I would be contending with because all of my hiking took place on similar terrain. Heck, I had already done all of the 4000’ers on The Long Trail so how hard could it be?
First Mistake: Failing to Pace Myself
Being almost entirely a day hiker, I have always hiked hard and fast knowing that I have to account for drives two and from the trailheads each day I hike. I don’t take breaks for more than 10 minutes at a time throughout the hike, and I absolutely do not pace myself for hiking from 7am to 6pm every day. There are no lunch breaks, no second breakfasts, and definitely no hiking after dinner because dinner is usually at home when I’m done hiking. I set out on my thru-hike with the same mindset and right off the bat I was struggling and miserable. On a backpacking trip a few years later I was introduced to the concept of “second breakfast” and realized that thru-hikers take a lot more breaks throughout the day than day hikers. I thought back on my Long Trail attempt and wondered if I had slowed down and taken more breaks, would I have succeeded?
Second Mistake: Not Accounting for Pack Weight in Speed
The approach trail to the actual Long Trail is about two miles and at a gradual uphill. I slung my pack onto my shoulders and headed into the woods while my husband headed south and away from me. By the time I hit the northern terminus, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to maintain a 2 mph pace because of how heavy my pack was. It was like I had a 27 pound sack strapped to my back, which I literally did. Every uphill felt harder and by the time I got to the first shelter I was spent. Day two wasn’t any easier, nor was day three. My intention of hiking 15 mile days seemed insane while carrying so much extra weight. I had overpacked at least a day’s worth of food and planned out 4 days to get to my first town. By the end of day 2 I was already redoing my plans because I was miserable, my feet were soaked and sore, and I was convinced that the mileage totals on the map were off because it felt like I had gone way over 15 miles that first full day. I adjusted my expectations for day 3, only doing 8 miles, and it was a much more pleasant experience. Had I continued at this pace, I wonder if I would’ve finished.
Third Mistake: Getting In My Own Head
I am a naturally anxious person and have a diagnosed Panic Disorder. It’s managed for the most part, but that doesn’t mean I don't still have anxiety or panic attacks. The first night on The Long Trail, all alone in the northern part of the trail, less than 10 miles from the Canadian Border, I panicked. The wind was whipping my tent sides into me, and I knew that I was completely alone. It was unnerving. What was out there? Was I OK? It became real that night. I was really out there doing this thing that I had told myself for years I had to do in order to be a “real” hiker. I was going to prove to everyone and myself that I was just as good as all of the people I followed on social media or read about online.
But all of the pressure I was putting on myself to succeed is what ultimately led to my own failure. Fear of failing is the number one reason why I didn’t succeed in completing my attempt of hiking the entire Long Trail. I set unrealistic expectations to hike miles that I wasn’t able to hike, carried too much food, and failed to keep my feet dry. I set out on The Long Trail for the wrong reasons and under the wrong mindset. And I was so afraid to fail that I ended up failing because of that fear.
Sometimes You Have to Face Your Fears
Today, I am closing in on a multi-year hiking goal that has been my number one focus since the fall of 2019 - to hike all 653 trails in the White Mountain Guidebook as a timed attempt. I am less than ten days from finishing this 16+ month attempt and my fear of failing has, once again, cropped up and begun to rear its ugly head. But this time, rather than quitting so close to the end (which I absolutely could do given the current weather and trail conditions) I am acknowledging that my fear of failure is what is holding me back. Facing all that I have faced in the last 4 years has shown me that sometimes the only way out is through and facing what you’re afraid of. The fear itself is often what is holding you back from success, and fear is not going to stop me this time.
