Why I'll Have a Conversation About Pronouns With Anyone Who Will Listen

Maggie Slepian

I was watching a movie with a friend when—as I tend to do—I ruined the peace and quiet by asking around a mouthful of popcorn: “What’s an example of a hill you’ll die on?”

“What does that even mean?” He asked, to which I responded that I was very glad he asked and since he brought it up, (one of the many) hill(s) I would die on is respecting pronouns and defending people’s gender identities.

The guy I tricked into the pronoun conversation has a different upbringing than me, but he is open minded and kind. I explained the evolving ideas around gender identity, why it matters, and why I have my own pronouns in my email signature. 

I am not a social worker or therapist, but I do have a personal connection through my middle sibling (they/them), and through friends who have experienced isolation based on their identity. I can’t say what it’s like to be in those shoes, but because I am a human being, I can try to help make the space around us as inclusive as possible. When I interview people for articles I always check their preferred pronouns, and I list mine in my own bios.

I told my friend that ‘normalizing’ listing preferred pronouns can make it feel safer for people who identify outside of their assigned gender. People like him and I can take for granted the fact that we’ve never been questioned, but for many people, it’s not that easy. When you frame it in an empathetic sense, using the right pronouns doesn’t seem like it should ever be an issue, right?

One of the first conversations of this kind was with a houseguest last year. She is in her 60s, and like many people I talk to, was unfamiliar with the use of they / them as singular pronouns. She had pointed out Harry’s artwork on my walls, then was curious as to why I used plural pronouns when referring to their work.

It was her first introduction to preferred pronouns, and she was interested, receptive, and made it a point to use my siblings preferred pronouns as we continued talking about the artwork. This open, respectful conversation was so heartening, and solidified what mutually respectful conversation looks like. 

I work almost entirely with conservative coworkers through one of my jobs, and while it’s daunting to address large-scale social narratives, explaining the importance of pronoun inclusion is a bite-size way to get those gears turning. It’s hard to argue with the question “Why wouldn’t you want to make someone feel safe and comfortable?”

I understand the concept can be challenging with zero previous conversation or exposure. Gender = male and female, right? And it’s just what you’ve been biologically assigned at birth, correct? But having open, non-judgemental conversations with people who are ready to listen can feel like making real progress in a time when we seem so divided. 

I struggle sometimes with my own privilege and place in society as a white, cisgender person. The deck has largely been stacked in my favor, and I’ve been granted a huge leg up in the world by identifying in a way that slots me into the majority. I take for granted the security I feel as I move through the world, and I have to remind myself that life doesn’t look like this for a lot of people. What can I do to make it just a little bit easier, without pretending to speak from someone else’s perspective? It’s a balancing act and I definitely don’t get it right a lot of the time. 

I’m proud of my generation, the younger ones, and the older generations who are making an effort for compassionate communication. There are a lot of things people in my position can’t control for marginalized communities. But asking preferred pronouns (and making sure to use them) is an easy way to say “I see you, I respect you, and you’re safe with me.”